Brand New Day

It's been a LONG time since I posted a blog. It's about time I do that.

I have to admit, today, I feel an urgency to live.

I've sat up and thought "This isn't me. Why am I letting other people turn me into what they want me to be? Why am I giving in so soon? This isn't me."

And so... I'm thinking of the changes I need to make. Put the bottle down, turn the cellphone off, and take time to sit and think. Figure out the real me. I know what brings me to life... I've let myself move away from my self. I've gotten lost and listened too much to the outside. I know this now. And I have to change this.

I may never become what I dream to be, but I can try. This is my life. I have to do it my way. No one else will.

I've let the past still have a death grip on me today. Emotionally and mentally, I have not detached from what has happened. I act like it's no big thing. I was trying to fulfill the "fake it until you make it" saying, but it just was not happening for me. Now it's do or die. Quite literally.

There's many things I can't do, and I know I can't do them. I can't play an instrument. I can't make any visual art to save my life. I'm not much a public speaker, either. Never mind the physical things I can't do. So there's a lot.

But even with that... I think I fare well with carrying an at least decent tune, and I've got a good sense of trial and error where trial shows pretty good results. I'm a bit of a Jane of all trades and master of none. So long as you don't impose a deadline, of course.

Now... where can these things be put to use? I'm really not sure. I'm trying to figure that out. But I've got to do this on my own. It's my life. It has to be at my pace and at the level of "comfort" that I choose. I can't do something just to say it's done and over with and to please another. At the end of it, I've gotta be pleased with it as well.

I've decided to cut negative things out of my life. That's drinking, partying, and people who do nothing but complain around me. It's about 98% of what's around me in my life, but it's not like it can't be done. A drastic change MUST occur for anything to be different.

If you want to be part of this... Help me out... And be there on the end when I feel I can finally smile like I did the right thing... then please join me.

It'll be a tough ride for everyone. I may not always be kind. I may need time away. But if you stay strong with me, I promise I will really make you proud.

I've always had a hard time believing someone when they said "I love you" to me. And it's why I've pretty much never said it to anyone. But I think it's time that changed. I may be stubborn, but I need to hear those words. Trust that I feel them, too, even if most times I'll be afraid to say it. If I still want you around, and if I still have your back, know that it's the way I show my love.

I want to make you proud, but I have to do what feels right for me. Please don't try to tell me what to do too much. I have to find my own way, but I would like you around in case. You may disagree with things I will do along the way, but please try to remain supportive. In most times, it may be all I'll have left to keep me going.

Are you all ready for the brand new real me?