Pussy Control (read on to know)

So... I met an interesting man this weekend. And he was very stupid.

He had a very clear idea of how a woman should look, act, and be like in general.

He had nothing but "pointers" to share with me, and it's a great surprise that I didn't punch the fucking shit out of his face for it, too. Did he EVER make me mad!

He had stuff to say about the way I generally was. I'm a tomboy, deep down. You can't change that. There's things I will and won't do. But what really irked me was what he had to say about physical appearance. I didn't even give him time to tell me what size and height to be, or to talk about my shoes, which is what he started on when I left him, but read on for the idea of what our conversation was about.

His first thing was "oh... you have short hair. Grow it out. No woman is attractive with hair shorter than her shoulders." Like... are you fucking kidding me? I look hideous with medium to long hair, and as a good example, look at Rihanna. She looked like she was 12 with long hair. It didn't look right. Now that it's short, she's a hot rod! DUH!

So I shrugged it off. Next was "do you ever wear skirts?" The answer: Hell no. "Oh, well women should wear them as often as possible. It is the uniform of woman." Not all women like them, not all women look good in them, and not all women are comfortable in them. Not to mention I grew up as a tomboy, which was mentioned to him with the whole haircut thing. But whatever.

Next was "So what's the deal with your nails?" Ummm... I have small hands... so my nails are small? "Grow them out and paint them! Short and crooked nails are disgusting on a woman! Especially unpainted!" Seriously, buddy? Are you SERIOUSLY trying to get your head chopped off? I do paint my nails... rare, but it happens. And yes... it's often in black but I've done the blood red and the candy apple. Fuck you. But let's move on...

He then said "Are you looking to have a good enough paying job to remove those tattoos?" Ummm... NO! HELL FUCKING NO! You do NOT mess with my tattoos! "Well... if not, you should stop at what you have. Women are not to have tattoos. They are disgusting and meant for prisoners, sailors, and bikers." ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME, DUDE?

Oh... then of course along those lines, he had to bring up PIERCINGS! "You do have your ears pierced, right?" No, I just got stabbed unwillingly when I was 3 months old or so. OF FUCKING COURSE I DO. "Well you should wear earrings, then. Very feminine. Real women wear nice jewelery in their ears. And not all those crazy ones all over." Oh, you're fucking messing with fire from the start and ready to be fucking BURNED, bro. "I guess the nose piercing thing is okay, but you need to take out that hoop. It's ugly. Women should only wear a diamond stud if they're going to pierce that at all." HOLY FUCK. BACK THE FUCK OFF DUDE AND LEAVE. (But no... he goes on...)

"Why would a woman ruin her face and skin with piercings and tattoos? It's hideous!" My answer: I want 13 in all... and each one above the neck. And about 24 tattoos, some large scale.

So he had the audacity to say: "You're never going to be a sexy woman if you keep up all these stupid attitudes and don't change yourself for men."

WHAT?!

I left with that.

Are you fucking kidding me? Changing MYSELF to please a fucking MAN? I don't be thinking so. It's bad enough that women try to stay feminine because of other women, but to do it just to please a man?! You have GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!

And I've seen it. A girl refused to cut her hair the length she REALLY wanted, because her boyfriend supposedly hated change and liked long hair. Well, dumbass... If your boyfriend really loved you for you, he wouldn't care what you did to your hair, so long as you were happy with it, and if he were to make a big deal, you know he doesn't actually want you.

Then there's the whole clothing thing. If you're dressing to please a man, you are cowardly and stupid. Do it for yourself. "Oh but I feel great if he likes it!" You're a fucking DEPENDENT bitch if you're thinking of it that way!

What is WRONG with these people?!

Seriously... I've stopped doing things to please other people. And it's working out pretty fucking great. I'm very vocal about it, too. I used to dress to please others, do my hair a certain way, speak a certain way, act a certain way... Just for others! Why? I wanted to be accepted.

Well fuck the dog, it doesn't work.

If you want to do something, do it for you. If someone around you isn't going to like it, you didn't fucking need them, anyways. It's as simple as that! I stopped doing things to please others. Now I've got a few tattoos, a nose hoop, a shaggy mohawk that I cut myself, and a fashion sense that's completely my own. And I'm happy with it. I'm very okay with what I see in the mirror. I could be happier with losing a bit of weight, but that's only a personal thing. If it was to please others, I'd be trying to kill myself getting to just even a size 12, don't get me started on smaller! I don't want to be that small. I know I would look horrible. So my idea is not to please you or to get a man, it's to get happy with myself.

If I did the "norm" of a female, I'd surely be attached by now. But you know what? I'd be fucking dependent and miserable. COMPLETELY miserable. I know, because I've been there.

But you know what? Better things that have a more lasting happy effect have been happening since I've given up trying to please people. That's right. Just being true to me has made things BETTER. Unbelievable, right?

I have friends who get excited for me, as I do for them, I have doors opening, I have events to attend, I have people to talk to, I have things to do, and I have a life to live and it's all my own. And I have people who LOVE that about me.

No one else's opinion matters at the end of the day.

If you're going to find something meaningful in your life, you've gotta start with yourself.

I have, and I'm going places. I've just gotta decide where it is I truly want to go.

I even dropped out of school once again. On my own terms. If I was trying to please everyone else, I'd still be in there. Miserable as fuck, doing work I hate and not having any reason behind except for that "it'll make everyone else happy" when the truth is that it won't. They'll just expect more and more and even fucking more. I'm not out of school to please anyone but myself. I'm on a quest for a personal reason to go back. If I never find a reason for school, good for me. Everyone else will always have one to share, but that's their own. Not everyone needs a shiny piece of paper to dictate where they're headed in life. And my feeling is that I don't.

So the moral of all of this is... You're at your sexiest being true to yourself, so be yourself.

Like Prince said... using different wording:
"And the moral of this mothafucka is... : Ladies, make 'em act like dey know.
You are, was, an' always will be... Pussy Control."

Search up that song. Flat out real.

Adios for now.

Unlovable.

Befriended by many.
Avoided by some.
Loved by none.

This is such a recurring theme in relationships for me. Of all kinds, really.

I don't mean to bring you down, or let you down, but if you're going to be around me, I'm just letting you know that it's going to happen at one point. You're always going to find something to use against me and you're bound to get frustrated with me at one point. It's always the same deal. I don't see it changing.

One thing that is bound to disappoint a lot of people is my success. Or lack thereof.

I have never graduated from a single thing in life. Nothing meaningful. And I honestly and seriously doubt I'll ever graduate from anything ever in my life. This actually pisses off a lot of people. But honestly... some people are just not meant to do certain things. It happens.

I also have no direction in life. I don't know what I'm good at, I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I don't know what I could succeed at. It's more rare, but that happens, too, and you're going to have to deal with it from me.

I'm also very much not a looker and never will be. I'm short, I'm fat, I have scars and have tattoos. I also have horrible skin tones, lol. I mean... some places of skin haven't seen daylight since I was 5. Some parts look ghosty while other parts show my natural birth colour. I AM ugly. I know I am.

So bearing all of that in mind... it makes sense why no one would want to love me. I've got nothing to offer. No drive, no stability, no arm candy. Why in the Hell would anyone want to be with me?

I don't know... but I know many more reasons why people wouldn't.

Do you SERIOUSLY wonder why I just want to give up?

Nothing can save me now. I haven't changed anyone's life. I haven't saved a life. I haven't made a difference in the world. I've done nothing of great value. And I probably, most likely, never will.

Can't it just be the end?

Brand New Day

It's been a LONG time since I posted a blog. It's about time I do that.

I have to admit, today, I feel an urgency to live.

I've sat up and thought "This isn't me. Why am I letting other people turn me into what they want me to be? Why am I giving in so soon? This isn't me."

And so... I'm thinking of the changes I need to make. Put the bottle down, turn the cellphone off, and take time to sit and think. Figure out the real me. I know what brings me to life... I've let myself move away from my self. I've gotten lost and listened too much to the outside. I know this now. And I have to change this.

I may never become what I dream to be, but I can try. This is my life. I have to do it my way. No one else will.

I've let the past still have a death grip on me today. Emotionally and mentally, I have not detached from what has happened. I act like it's no big thing. I was trying to fulfill the "fake it until you make it" saying, but it just was not happening for me. Now it's do or die. Quite literally.

There's many things I can't do, and I know I can't do them. I can't play an instrument. I can't make any visual art to save my life. I'm not much a public speaker, either. Never mind the physical things I can't do. So there's a lot.

But even with that... I think I fare well with carrying an at least decent tune, and I've got a good sense of trial and error where trial shows pretty good results. I'm a bit of a Jane of all trades and master of none. So long as you don't impose a deadline, of course.

Now... where can these things be put to use? I'm really not sure. I'm trying to figure that out. But I've got to do this on my own. It's my life. It has to be at my pace and at the level of "comfort" that I choose. I can't do something just to say it's done and over with and to please another. At the end of it, I've gotta be pleased with it as well.

I've decided to cut negative things out of my life. That's drinking, partying, and people who do nothing but complain around me. It's about 98% of what's around me in my life, but it's not like it can't be done. A drastic change MUST occur for anything to be different.

If you want to be part of this... Help me out... And be there on the end when I feel I can finally smile like I did the right thing... then please join me.

It'll be a tough ride for everyone. I may not always be kind. I may need time away. But if you stay strong with me, I promise I will really make you proud.

I've always had a hard time believing someone when they said "I love you" to me. And it's why I've pretty much never said it to anyone. But I think it's time that changed. I may be stubborn, but I need to hear those words. Trust that I feel them, too, even if most times I'll be afraid to say it. If I still want you around, and if I still have your back, know that it's the way I show my love.

I want to make you proud, but I have to do what feels right for me. Please don't try to tell me what to do too much. I have to find my own way, but I would like you around in case. You may disagree with things I will do along the way, but please try to remain supportive. In most times, it may be all I'll have left to keep me going.

Are you all ready for the brand new real me?

Tattoo Comments.

I've been getting a lot of comments lately revolving around the idea of me later on regretting the tattoos I have. I find that to be such a crock of shit.

I never take things lightly, and to have something permanently etched in my skin was a decision I thought long and hard about. Each one I have already, and each one I'll be getting in the future, too. I have them planned and mapped out. I know what I'm doing and I know what I want my body to look like once I'm done with it all. I'm serious about it.

It takes a strong dedication and belief in what you're getting tattooed to even have it done in the first place. What I've got tattooed and what I will be getting are reminders of moments that shaped me. They are big parts of my life. And I'm a big music lover, it saved me every time, so pretty much every tattoo will be related to music in one way or another.

And even if later in life those events aren't so prominent, how can you regret something that once made you smile? Each piece I will be getting are all positive influences for me. I'm a visual person and if something is positive in energy, then it helps me stay positive, so the more of these, the better.

But there's one thing about these comments that really bugs me. How dare you judge the greatest moments of my life?! How dare you call them laughable by saying I'll regret them?! I don't go around telling you that you'll regret your career, children, marriage, etc. These events are important and life-altering to you. Well... same goes for my tattoos. They are about the moments that have made me feel the most alive. Saying I'll regret my tattoos is like saying I'll regret having lived. These events are what brought me to life. So you're saying I'm not good enough? What kind of snobby ass are you?!

I feel bad for those of you who have not had something so spectacular and life-changing happen to you that you'd want to carry a memory of it forever. You are truly missing out on what life is all about.

I hope you learn to be open-minded one day, especially open-hearted, so that you can finally see things for what they truly are : beautiful and life-altering.

I love my tattoos.

SOOOO MAD!!!

Okay... I know I stand out, but this is fucking insane!!!

No matter where I go, I stick out like a sore thumb!
I'm not wanted and it's starting to really fucking piss me off.

Yes, I'm different. But do you really have to hold that against me?!

Oh wow... I have piercings, tattoos, and a mohawk.
But before that all got done, you liked me.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

The world is a really fucked up place.

You said you liked me for who I was. Well... that was when my looks conformed to your norms. I wasn't myself. And now that I'm truly being myself, you're all turning your heads from me?! Some fucking friends you were!!!

I really give up.

I mean... this is me... and everyone hates it?! Jesus Fucking Christ!!!!

I'm not a girly girl! I hate having my nails painted. I hate skirts and dresses. I never show my tits like all you others do. I hate those who act like a slut. I HAAAAAAATE the way I look with long hair. I feel disgusting when I look like you. Do you get that?! OF COURSE YOU FUCKING DON'T!!!

Shut me out all you fucking want, IT'S YOUR FUCKING LOSS!!

So... basically... I can't say "love me or hate me" because I already know what you've all chosen... So I'll say this...

FUCK YOU AND THE BITCH THAT GAVE BIRTH TO YOU!!!

Get your mind out of your little fucking hole. Accepting?! You?! DON'T FUCKING MAKE ME LAUGH!!! You're not open-minded! NOT A FUCKING BIT.

I hope someone puts you in a burlap sack and shaves off all your hair...
You fucking prissy, snobby-ass bitches!!!

Makeover Time!

I just got myself a makeover on Monday.

After a year of growing out my hair... I decided it wasn't worth it.

I chopped it all off.

There's hardly anything there.

And to be honest... I've never felt sexier.
LOL!

I much rather me in short hair. I feel great!

In about 2 weeks, the Hawk will be back in business.
Just need time to grow the hair a little.

I'm already starting to train my hair to stand on end again.
Looking good, Feeling Gorgeous!!!

Will probably post a pic soon.
I love it, though! And makes my makeup show better and my neck look longer and slimmer. Who doesn't love that?! LOL!

Off to finish getting ready for school, though.
Toodles and tequila!

Girls Night Out... Not Fun!

Last night was nuts.

I went to the bar with two friends. We had fun, but my night... wasn't so fun. I hated my reflection when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I wanted to bawl. I got hit on by a married man (literally... he was in his 30s) and groped and grabbed by males and females alike. Some would consider that a good night, but for me... that was Hell. I never felt so disgusting and ugly as last night.

I could have made a clean swipe at the bar had it not been for wanting to save money. I had 8 drinks. Pffft! Nothing there. Big whoop. One day I'll have to go with 200$ and maybe even on cheap drink night. Woo! I'm only half joking... I AM partially an alcoholic, you know...

But yeah... that was not fun. And then I woke up this morning with the most horrible neck pain ever... not knowing how that could have happened. It was PAINFUL. And it still is, but I can at least move my head side to side, just not front and back. Damn. But maybe by morning it'll be better.

But is it bad that I was wishing all night that this one guy was there, and that he was watching me have fun without him? Yes... I was thinking that a lot. Which is actually the only reason I didn't run out bawling or anything. I was hoping that either he or one of his buddies would see me and would see me having fun without him, and add in all the gropes and grinds and make him see what he was missing out on. Not sure that translated well, lol. Most likely not.

But then... when I left the bar, all I could think was how much fun the night would have been had I been with this one other guy... How I wouldn't have felt shitty... How I would have felt like a million bucks... How I would have appreciated the dancing and the flirtations and whatnot if they all came from him... But it just won't happen. It'll never happen. And that sucks.

I wanted one to be jealous, and another one to be there. Shit! I'm messed, aren't I?!

All in all... a change must be made.
I really need some hairapy.