Carla Sixx Has Left The Party

Current mood: ashamed
Category: Life

6:14 AM

I'm sitting here after the end of what you could honestly call a pretty wild party. How I didn't get out of hand worse than I already had, I still can't comprehend. I'm actually contemplating having another drink. I've got Coke in front of me, and a bottle of straight Bacardi. Not to mention a few long been unfinished drinks laying around the room. And hey... you can't get a hang over if you never officially ended the night. My pomegranate cooler is looking mighty fine.

I can honestly tell you why I put myself through the test of booze worse and worse with each party I attend. The answer is actually quite simple. More booze, less inhibitions, more sociability, less noticing how lonely and alone I really am. And everyone likes to escape reality.

When I joke with my friends and tell them I will soon be in AA, I don't exactly think I'm joking. In fact, I just found an unopened shooter of B-52. Having it now. But I seriously prefer my nice strong whiskey. And straight.

But yeah... That's one thing I really hate about parties, and one of the main reasons I'm so reluctant to attend. It's so painful to be reminded of how lonely I really am.

Being fifth wheel and playing the extra fiddle just shows how pathetic of a loser I am. Especially when I'm trying to focus on killing my buzz so I can get some sleep while the people right next to me are practically getting it on right there. It's all fine and dandy that you like each other, but there's only so much that a broken and lonely heart can handle. And it feels like that's never going to change for me. I'm holding onto a dream that won't come true. A love that barely exists, and leaves me lonely.

Time to finish my drinks. I counted 16 successful drinks tonight. One spilled all over the floor as I was tipsy and trying to read a shag dice on the floor.

My drink count is back up again. I'm back on track... in a sad and pathetic way.

I don't wanna be lonely anymore.

7:05am. End time.

Rockstar Pep Talk

Not much to add, sadly.

You see... I'm back into depression again. And the worst part, no one around me actually understands what it's like. And it's killing me. And... I don't know if I really want to live or die at this point. It wouldn't really change a thing either way. It's still going to be alright for everyone. Maybe it'll even be better.

I've decided to go to the library and pick up some books. I'm hoping to find The Heroin Diaries again. One day I will own that book and not have to constantly go back to the library to get it. That book is my pep talk. I know a lot of people don't get how that can be, but it just is. It's like trying to explain why you have a favourite food. It just happens.

I'm also hoping to find Nikki's girlfriend's book, too. If I can't make my own art, and if I can't get another tattoo at the moment, might as well look at stuff about them. Also a bit of a pep talk book if you knew even the smallest bit of Kat Von D's history. So I'm crossing my fingers that they have it... or at least that they can order it for me or something.

I'm thinking of trying to read Slash again. I didn't finish... I don't know why. I barely got anywhere and yet Slash's story is the one I feel I identify with the most of all the rockers I've been interested in. Though... I do want to read Scar Tissue again. I got a little past half but I didn't finish.

I've really got a thing for autobiographies of rockstars. I understand them... And I want their success, too. Seeing how much my life resembles their own, makes me feel like my dream can come true... I can be a rocker, too.

It may be weird... but that's my pep talk. And I desperately need one right now because living people aren't helping much. Kind words are not enough. It takes someone who's gone through the same thing to understand and to give hope. All I've got is my rockstars, so that's where I'm going to go.

I'm just surprised I'm not an addict of anything yet. Maybe that's going to happen soon. We'll have to see.

Image (poem)

Why must you judge me only by what you see?
Look past the details and see the real me
How does my not being thin
Make me worse of a friend?
I thought we lived in the same kind of world

Sure, I've got olive skin
But I'm light within
And I have natural black hair
Why must you compare?
I'm perfect as I am, like you

I'm short, fat, and female down there
These facts make you quick not to care
I've got dark brown eyes that help me to see
But I'm not quick to judge like you are with me
And I'm scared to be me in this world

Why won't you love me? Because of how I look
Yet if I had been different, your world would have shook
I hate that you can't see me for what's within
Instead of the fact that I'm nowhere near thin
I deserve some God damned love, too

( January 6th, 2008 ; 4:45pm )