SOOOO MAD!!!

Okay... I know I stand out, but this is fucking insane!!!

No matter where I go, I stick out like a sore thumb!
I'm not wanted and it's starting to really fucking piss me off.

Yes, I'm different. But do you really have to hold that against me?!

Oh wow... I have piercings, tattoos, and a mohawk.
But before that all got done, you liked me.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

The world is a really fucked up place.

You said you liked me for who I was. Well... that was when my looks conformed to your norms. I wasn't myself. And now that I'm truly being myself, you're all turning your heads from me?! Some fucking friends you were!!!

I really give up.

I mean... this is me... and everyone hates it?! Jesus Fucking Christ!!!!

I'm not a girly girl! I hate having my nails painted. I hate skirts and dresses. I never show my tits like all you others do. I hate those who act like a slut. I HAAAAAAATE the way I look with long hair. I feel disgusting when I look like you. Do you get that?! OF COURSE YOU FUCKING DON'T!!!

Shut me out all you fucking want, IT'S YOUR FUCKING LOSS!!

So... basically... I can't say "love me or hate me" because I already know what you've all chosen... So I'll say this...

FUCK YOU AND THE BITCH THAT GAVE BIRTH TO YOU!!!

Get your mind out of your little fucking hole. Accepting?! You?! DON'T FUCKING MAKE ME LAUGH!!! You're not open-minded! NOT A FUCKING BIT.

I hope someone puts you in a burlap sack and shaves off all your hair...
You fucking prissy, snobby-ass bitches!!!

Makeover Time!

I just got myself a makeover on Monday.

After a year of growing out my hair... I decided it wasn't worth it.

I chopped it all off.

There's hardly anything there.

And to be honest... I've never felt sexier.
LOL!

I much rather me in short hair. I feel great!

In about 2 weeks, the Hawk will be back in business.
Just need time to grow the hair a little.

I'm already starting to train my hair to stand on end again.
Looking good, Feeling Gorgeous!!!

Will probably post a pic soon.
I love it, though! And makes my makeup show better and my neck look longer and slimmer. Who doesn't love that?! LOL!

Off to finish getting ready for school, though.
Toodles and tequila!

Girls Night Out... Not Fun!

Last night was nuts.

I went to the bar with two friends. We had fun, but my night... wasn't so fun. I hated my reflection when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I wanted to bawl. I got hit on by a married man (literally... he was in his 30s) and groped and grabbed by males and females alike. Some would consider that a good night, but for me... that was Hell. I never felt so disgusting and ugly as last night.

I could have made a clean swipe at the bar had it not been for wanting to save money. I had 8 drinks. Pffft! Nothing there. Big whoop. One day I'll have to go with 200$ and maybe even on cheap drink night. Woo! I'm only half joking... I AM partially an alcoholic, you know...

But yeah... that was not fun. And then I woke up this morning with the most horrible neck pain ever... not knowing how that could have happened. It was PAINFUL. And it still is, but I can at least move my head side to side, just not front and back. Damn. But maybe by morning it'll be better.

But is it bad that I was wishing all night that this one guy was there, and that he was watching me have fun without him? Yes... I was thinking that a lot. Which is actually the only reason I didn't run out bawling or anything. I was hoping that either he or one of his buddies would see me and would see me having fun without him, and add in all the gropes and grinds and make him see what he was missing out on. Not sure that translated well, lol. Most likely not.

But then... when I left the bar, all I could think was how much fun the night would have been had I been with this one other guy... How I wouldn't have felt shitty... How I would have felt like a million bucks... How I would have appreciated the dancing and the flirtations and whatnot if they all came from him... But it just won't happen. It'll never happen. And that sucks.

I wanted one to be jealous, and another one to be there. Shit! I'm messed, aren't I?!

All in all... a change must be made.
I really need some hairapy.

True Beauty Thoughts.

Just dropping in quickly to say...

I'm sick of being me.

As if anything of that is new, but seriously...

What life do I have?! I don't have one. Simple as that. And people around me go on and on and on about their lives and when I have nothing to say (which is always)... guess how that makes me feel! LIKE SHIT!!!

I just want to be someone else.

And well... guess even he didn't feel the same. Just like every other guy. Ugh. Can't someone be different from the rest? HONESTLY!

I just need one guy to prove they aren't all the same.

It's cliché, but OMFG it's true.

Late Night Thought

Today,s post might be upsetting to quite a few people.

Lately, I've been struggling with the idea of what to do with myself. And by that, I mean with my physical appearance. I don't have money, so it's not like I can afford to get special treatments like coloured contacts or get my hair done... or even just join a gym for that matter. None of that is possible. So what's the last choices available to someone who can't afford anything good? Well... perhaps it's regaining a lost eating disorder.

There was a time that I pretty much was anorexic. But being so big, it didn't look scary at all. I did lose a significant amount of weight, but it still wasn't anywhere near enough to look normal. And then I made friends. And I went slowly back to eating well again... and it got so bad... I ended up bigger than before I did all of that.

And now I'm thinking of cutting back to almost as much as that time. Maybe even less, actually.

I'm trying to psyche myself out of it. I know it's not healthy, but it's so tempting as a last resort. I'm trying to watch videos of how people are near death because of it, but they never looked anything like me, so I keep thinking that's not going to be me, because I'm not going to ever get that small, anyways. And probably not anywhere near where their healthy weight is/was. And so... the temptation lives on.

We'll see what happens. There's a good chance it might happen soon. People keep telling me to change if I don't like who I am... and since it's the only option I have left (and hey... saves money!) it may just come down to doing that again.

If I looked more normal, maybe someone would love me. Maybe people would want to be with me. Maybe I wouldn't get judged too quickly and people will take time to know me because I'm closer to normal than what I'm like at this very moment. I could only hope, and it can't really hurt to try, can it?

I'm tired of hearing bad comments because of how I look. I don't stand a chance anywhere because of it. I feel like I don't REALLY have friends because of it. It feels like everyone's got a hidden agenda when it comes to me and it's just because of how I look. It's horrible. I want it to stop.

I don't even have dreams and goals in life. All I had was crushed. Why? I wasn't good enough. How am I not good enough? I'm FAT.

What do you do when that's all your life is about?

You change. In any way you can. And the only way I can... is to stop something.

We'll see where this goes. I may start my program soon, I may not even do it at all. But the hardest part is knowing this would be my last resort. If I had money, I could at least join a gym and have a friend with me and try to see what comes of that. But I can't. So go for the cheapest option. And it just so happens that if you don't spend money on food, you can save quite a bit!

An eating disorder may be a horrible disease, but being fat is even worse.