Late Night Ramblings

Alright...

So... I don't really know why I'm blogging at the moment. I mean... I do... because I think too much, but I don't have any chosen subject to conquer. So bare with me, please ;-)

I guess I've taken a page from Jeff. I've been thinking sooo much that I end up staying awake late and well... everything is off balance. I can't really explain it. But something that really hits the spot for me that has made me think is a part of a lyric from a famous song that plays all the time around Christmas. The song is called So This Is Christmas.

The first verse is what gets to me. As a refresher:

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun

Yeah... this is Christmas season. A whole year has gone by. What has happened in a year? Nothing. What has changed in this past year? Well... once again, the honest answer is: Nothing. A whole year where shit-all has changed. It's just as bad as it always was.

Tomorrow will make the one year anniversary of when my mother finally told my brother and father that we were never returning to live at the house again. We officially made our getaway. And nothing has changed since then. Absolutely nothing.

I always had this feeling of the apartment being stagnant on creativity... perhaps that is why nothing has changed. I am a creative force, and being in a place that hinders my creativity could be the very reason I've got nothing done. I need to be out of this area to be able to do anything, but I can't leave this area without having done anything to gain what I need to move away. Gah! It's soooo complicated!

It's funny because I can't write ANYTHING when in this place, but the moment I'm somewhere else, a FLOOD of ideas hits me. There's something really off with the energies in my apartment and in the entire building itself. It doesn't work well with me and so I don't work well with anything else, either.

And it's why I'm seen as such a failure. I know everyone sees me as that.

My mother and father tried having a talk about me, as in what would happen to me if my mother died. Well... In my defense, I AM an adult. I could figure out something. And I could probably live well on some type of aid for awhile as I am quite a penny pincher. But honestly... there was only one thought that came to mind when this topic was brought up. A thought that most would be shocked to hear... or at least pretend to be shocked to hear. And it's very simple.

My only thought was : There's no need to be worrying about that, because it's going to be me who dies first. I just see it that way. If I'm such a failure, it's better for me to die first, anyways, right?

And even if that doesn't happen to be the case... Aren't failures supposed to be homeless and wrecked? So I guess that's where I'm destined to be. And no one seems to really care if that changes or not. So be it.

But honestly, how can you expect me to have faith in anything when all I was ever told was that I was never good enough in anything? Doing decent, or enough to get by, is not doing good enough.

What's a talent if it doesn't sparkle and shine?

When you hear something so often about yourself, you come to believe it, and find it so hard to believe any word of good.

I've begun to be blind to the words I've heard before, and shut out what I haven't.

Everyone wants to be right. I'm here giving them what they want. They're being proven right in calling me a failure. And yet... that STILL ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH for anyone.

What is wrong with this world?!